A Dark Sucker? Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers H. J. Robinson, October 1, 1996 For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers. The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle.

Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.

Dark is comprised in little indivisible chunks, which we call darkons.  A darkon sucked free from an electron will push that electron away in proportion to that darkon's frequency.  The higher the frequency of the darkon - i.e. the "bluer" the background light that this individual darkon masks out - the more energy it will impart to the electron it just abandoned, and if this energy is greater than the amount required for the electron to escape its atomic orbit entirely, then the electron will zing around freely and contribute to an electric current.

A reflective surface is one which does not give up its embedded darkons to a dark sucker very readily.  A perfect mirror would give up no darkons at all.  Yet, even though a reflector (such as the full moon) is not actively sucking dark itself, darkons seem to get sucked out of your retinas when you look at it.  What gives?

Simple.  The dark suction force is a force that Just Cain't Say No.  If it can't suck the darkons it needs out of a reflective surface, then by golly, the dark suction force will just bounce right off the surface and keep going in a new direction until it hits something that WILL give up its darkons!

All objects have darkness embedded within them.  Every time a dark sucker operates, it pulls this intrinsic darkness out of all surfaces that are in an unobstructed path to the dark sucker.  This removal of intrinsic darkness is an action-at-a-distance; the forces that cause this are not well understood, but we do know that this action propagates at the speed of dark from the dark sucker to the incident surface.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

dark energy transfer

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed a dark sucker.

DETAILS

How does dark transfer energy?

Experimentally, we know that "shining" a "light source" onto any surface will cause that surface to get warmer.  This is called radiative heat transfer.  D.S.T. must be able to explain these observations, as well as the theories of the Photon Conspiracy explain them, in order to be a useful theory.

Space around us is naturally dark.  Free darkness exists everywhere. Only through the actions of Dark Suckers (such as light bulbs, stars, fireflies, etc.) can this natural state be changed, and Dark Suckers have to expend energy continuously in order to operate.

This intrinsic darkness is bound into the electrons of the surface material.  We might even call a surface a "host material" for darkness.The more dulled ("darker" looking) the host material is, the more readily it gives up darkness in response to a dark sucker.  (A perfectly reflective material, if such a thing existed, would give off no darkness at all.)  The reason host materials get warmer as they release their intrinsic darkness is that there is a binding energy between darkness and its host material.  Sucking out darkness releases that binding energy in the form of heat.  The stronger the dark sucker and the duller the surface, the more darkness gets divested from the host surface and the hotter the surface becomes.  (Incidentally, the retinas of your eyes contain special pigments that send signals to your optic nerves when dark is sucked out of them - sucking out yellow-frequency darkness is experienced as seeing yellow light.)

Eventually, the surface can become so hot that it glows with incandescence, and becomes a dark sucker itself.  It should be noted that objects which glow due to their own heat, called "blackbody radiation", always cool off as a result of this radiation.  This cooling off is merely the darkness being sucked into the blackbody radiator (hot dark sucker) and making the dark sucker itself into the darkness's new host material. The darkness-to-new-host binding process consumes heat to form its new bonds, each of which has its own binding energy, and the blackbody gets colder as a result.